Features: A Message from Claes Nobel A Message from Outgoing Student Council Advisory Board Highlights New Student Council College-Bound Advice The Value of Taking AP Classes Begin College Applications Now My Take on the SAT Getting a Head Start Never Hurt Anybody Spotlight on Service -- From your own Backyard to a Nicaragua Village The Power of Committed Citizens -- Helping the Poor in Nicaragua J.M.H. Academy Volunteer Effort -- Cordele, Georgia, Health and Rehabilitation Center Giving Back to Your Local Community Special Opportunities -- Students Take Advantage of Exciting Programs AFS Exchange Program -- Living in Brazil Summer Business Institute -- LEAD (Leadership Education and Development) Summer in Switzerland for Natasa Kovasevic Food for Thought For the Devout Carb-Quitters: New Bread that is Literally Nothing Living Successfully from Diet of the Week For the Devout Carb-Quitters: New Bread that is Literally Nothing by Kristina Slekys NSHSS 2004 Academic Paper Award Winner Connelly School of The Holy Child After years of hard work, virtual starvation, and millions of dollars, the XNCE Institute (X-nay on the Carbs-eh) in Atkinsville, California, chemically induced the first loaf of Vortex Bread. "This discovery is unlike anything the world has ever seen. The carbohydrate content has been eradicated so that the bread is literally invisible," says Dr. Protein Sugarless, who has supported the no-carb diet since 1972. After Robert Atkins graduated from the University of Michigan, the Fat-Free Institute, he jump-started the future "guru' diet" that would reap millions of participants and remove even more calories. The traditional diet consists of consuming high protein, vegetables, fruit, and dairy content, but absolutely no carbohydrates. Sally Usedtobe Sweettooth Thomas claims, "I look at all these other kids and see them eating Coco Puffs, Fruit Loops, Lucky Charms -- All I can say is that I cherish my eight-ounce porterhouse, especially sandwiched between my new Vortex bread." Sally's mother, Debra-vation Ofcarbs Thomas, bought the new Vortex Bread and was shocked that the bag was filled with air. "This is unbelievable--It's plainly nothing that makes you feel like you've eaten something, even though you do not gain weight." Dr. Detox, a research scientist, states: "I figured that we should just take out all of the carbohydrates. Then, there need be no diet, just compulsive eating of nothing!" Detox suggests that Vortex Bread be fed at an early age, therefore initiating a wonderful weight-dropping and energy-gaining tradition to sustain a healthy lifestyle. Sarah Spastic, a religious Atkins follower, exclaimed, "I have so much energy without carbs in my life. I have not slept in two weeks and you will not believe how much work I've finished." Sadly, Spastic passed away last week when her heart stopped beating. The leading psychiatrist, Dr. Get Overit, has counseled many victims of carbohydrates indulgences. He states last week in the XNCE newsletter: "The collaboration of science and space is genius. Upon opening the 'Vortex' bag, the customer will immediately pick up the scent of bread and be psychologically satisfied, without the depression of weight gain." The XNCE multimedia campaign's motto is "Do not give in to your body if it does not give in to you." Vortex Bread has recently received rave reviews, exciting the CEO's but exacerbating nutritionists and hippies. While protesting against Proctor & Gamble at an Animal Rights Convention, Miss Righteous stepped aside to slander the explosion of fad diets. "Atkins and his posse are lying! I saw Dr. Protein Sugarless, a.k.a. Los Angeles' finest plastic surgeon, and he ordered two fried potato sandwiches while wearing sunglasses. He's obviously hiding something!" Other protestors questioned the ulterior motives of diet inventors. "It's just a marketing tool. These people cash in their checks and drive around in their Mercedes, making sure to pit-stop at each of their ten houses," complains Forest Forthetrees. Regardless of the opposition, XNCE demonstrates a positive outlook for its new product. Sugarless and company are excited to add Vortex Bread to the myriad of low bar beer, bread, energy bars and beverages for the spring collection. Just in time for bathing suit season! On the other hand, children weep when they pass by a MacDonald's. Sweettooth replies, "We'll have a great time at Subway!" Ostensibly the Vortex Bread is quite controversial. Depriving bodies of a major food group--is that genuinely healthy? "Apparently so," responds Sugarless. "People love to cut down on fats, sweets, and oils to lose weight. Last time I checked, those fell into the upper food group category. Are you telling me that's not healthy?" Editor's Note: On a more serious note, many health experts and consumer advocates have said that popular low-carbohydrate diets may be leading Americans to poor health and creating an industry of often suspect "carb-friendly" products. A new group has been established, the Partnership for Essential Nutrition, to help educate Americans about the need for healthy carbohydrates such as vegetables, fruits, beans and whole grains. << Back to Journal Home page